Problems

“Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or distance themselves from each other as a protective device.” (Gottman, pg. 137) As I read this statement from this week’s reading, I felt comforted. It is the same comforting feeling I get when my husband and I go out to dinner with another couple. As we visit, we realize that we have similar issues in our marriages and that some difficulties are inevitable. It makes me feel as a couple my husband and I are not weird or different but that everyone has conflict to overcome. Those in relationships must get used to the idea that you are going to have problems.

Gottman found that roughly 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual. Perpetual means certain problems “will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another.” Now if the first quote brought me comfort this one caused me to feel anxious and a bit depressed. Who likes knowing that certain problems are never going to go away? My husband and I have been married for 21 years and a lot of our perpetual problems have to do with cleanliness. My husband grew up in a family that wasn’t very tidy. He remembers feeling embarrassed to have friends come over to his house. This fact has pushed him completely to the other side of the cleaning spectrum. We affectionately call him the Nazi cleaner. If he could always go around with a white glove on his hand he would. Calling him a Nazi cleaner is one way we cope and try to use humor to keep the problem in its proper place.

Gottman said “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” Whew! Conflict in and of itself is not bad or good. Coping or in other words how you handle the conflict is key. Whether you cope through humor or avoid situations that worsen the problem it is important to keep talking so the perpetual problems don’t overwhelm the relationship. Gottman gave some overall advice to managing conflict that I found helpful, he said:

1.Negative emotions are important- It is important to express negative emotions in a way that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.

2. No one is right- There are two people in a partnership and there is no absolute reality only two subjective ones.

3. Acceptance is crucial- Acceptance is the basis for effectively coping with relationship issues. Your spouse will not heed any advice until they feel accepted and respected.

4. Focus on fondness and admiration- Focusing on fondness helps mellow partner’s faults. Learn to view partner’s shortcomings as amusing parts of the whole package.

As we embrace we are going to have problems, we can focus on solving the solvable problems and copingthe  with perpetual ones. We can work on not postponing forgiveness and letting forgiveness bring peace and happiness into our marriages.

What are some things you do to keep problems in their proper place?