Turning Towards Instead of Away

         

              In every interaction we have with another human we have 3 choices for how we will respond. Katie Lemieux a LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) said, “We can choose to “turn towards” them, responding positively. We can “turn away”, react by ignoring, avoiding, or being too busy, or we can “turn against.” When we turn against someone, we usually respond in a way that is hurtful, critical, blaming or sarcastic.” I chose the topic of turning towards instead of away this week because it can have such a profound impact on marriage. I found it interesting that there are even different levels of turning towards. You can turn towards with low energy vs. attentive turning towards. The first step to turning towards your partner is paying attention to your partner. A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Sometimes bids go over our heads, if we are not paying attention.

Bids can be a tricky thing. It can be difficult to decipher the subtext of a loved ones bids. As Dr. Gottman points out bids can be major or minor. I found this list of minor bids helpful to study and learn from.

           Sometimes the truth maybe we really are “busy right now.” It is unfair to think our partner will be able to actively engage with us at any given moment. This does not necessarily mean that our partner is turning away. If you have a good amount in your emotional savings account this will not be a problem. In a good healthy relationship both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. Some of the bids may work and some may not. Either way turning towards a bid is a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us also know the hurt and feelings of rejection when our spouse or loved one is staring at their phone, TV or something else and not giving us the attention, we are looking for. Turning away or turning against can be devastating and often results in your partner making less bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, an affection somewhere else.  

               I appreciate and plan to use Dr. Gottman’s suggestions, he said “Make the word “bid” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now.” I wish in all my interactions with loved ones they could be this obvious:) I hope we all can work a little harder on paying attention when people we care about give us a bid. It is one way we show we are present in the relationship.

              What else gives us the tangible sense that our partner is present in the relationship?